A Final Goodbye

How do you know when your last goodbye is your last goodbye?
I have had a lot of goodbyes over the past few years. Just like anyone else, I never realized they were the final goodbye.
I said goodbye one day, I can’t remember the date, to my very best friend from childhood to adulthood. I can’t even remember what we were doing when that final goodbye came. I am sure it was at a birthday party or a lunch date; maybe it was at my mom’s house after my dad’s stroke. I honestly can’t recall. I didn’t realize, just like I can’t remember the when or where, that it would be a final goodbye. Somehow we just never heard from one another again. She seemingly disappeared from my life. It’s a funny thing how you don’t realize someone has disappeared until so long a period of time has passed that you can’t even remember your last day together. All I know is if I had known I would never see her again I’m sure I would’ve ended the moment differently.
There was a day, and I remember it vividly, that I said goodbye to my brother. It was not a pleasant goodbye, but was unforgettable. Things were said, mostly by me, that could never be taken back even had he lived long enough for me to do so. I had no idea in that moment, an extremely painful and heated moment, it would be our very last goodbye. There would be no more goodbyes over a collect call or in writing; let alone a fond goodbye in person with a warm hug and fondness. My brother died in 2018. Unlike my missing friend, I will never get the chance.
I remember the last time I saw my dad before he passed in 2017. He was at our house, eating clam chowder and had dozed off in his wheelchair. I remember watching him sleep and us laughing to each other about how much he loved Emma’s soup that she had made just for him. I remember putting him in the car so James could drive him back to the nursing home. I remember the guilt; guilt that hit me like a hurricane every time we had to send him “home”. I remember telling him I loved him and waving goodbye. That was on a Friday. By the following Wednesday he was gone. I had no idea I’d never get the chance to wave a final goodbye with a kiss on his cheek before closing that car door for the millionth time.
Say those goodbyes. Say them with kindness. Say them with love. Say them with the thought that it may be the very last goodbye you have left in the world.