In My Head

I can’t get out of my head today.  I’m antsy and agitated and have burned through everything I needed to do at home.  I have no job to distract me and can’t get one for a few more months.  I’m exhausted, but need to keep moving.  It’s a mental exhaustion.  I want to crawl into bed and never get up, but I know I won’t be able to rest so it’s pointless. 

Tis the season for severe depression.  It hasn’t kicked in to high gear yet, though.  I think this weird October in California weather is to blame.  It’s sunny, it’s gray, it’s sunny, it rains.  I’m up and down and am not used to mixed episodes.  I am worried that by November I’ll be completely lost in a deep depression that will feel like I’ll never pull myself out of.  When I’m “okay” I know it’ll pass and things always get better (sometimes a LOT better).  When I’m in the thick of it it feels like it’ll never end. 

The sad part is that I never want it to end for myself.  It’s not because it’s the only way out of the misery.  It’s because I feel like a burden.  A burden to my family and not a good friend from anyone (not that I have a lot of friends; just one to be honest).  I feel lazy and dirty and useless.  I feel tired and like I can’t accomplish anything worth anything to anyone.  And I’m over it.  So I’m scared.  I know it’ll be back. 

But then comes the good times.  Spring brings me back on my feet.  Like REALLY back on my feet.  I get fun and busy and sometimes I get shit done.  It’s not always wine and roses.  Some days I get shit done.  Most of the time I start shit, don’t finish it and move on to the next thing.  Half complete projects scatter my space; our space.  I can’t sit still.  I can’t think straight.  I can’t write or read or watch TV.

Which brings me back to the current.  I’m all of the those things at this moment.  I’m scattered, but tired.  I’m antsy, but lazy.  I’m busy, but not getting anything of importance accomplished. 

I just want my meds to work.  I mean, they are working.  I think.  Which begs the question: “Is this my norm”?  Am I just going to be like this forever?  Will I ever outgrow this bullshit or am I in the middle of some… space in time that is just new and uncomfortable for me?

I really hope it’s the latter, no matter how frustrating and scary it is. 

Anyone with a mental health diagnosis know this: you are not alone.  We’re out here.  Some are in hiding.  Some are open and willing.  But we’re here, struggling along with you.  Beside you.  For you. 

So drink some damned water, brush your teeth and take your damned meds. 

Jezzie