Stupidest Woman Alive~ That’s Me

“I’ve fallen in love with someone”

The words that would change my life forever.

The thing is that I knew.  I already knew in my heart that that was the case.  I already knew that he was cheating on me.  Four or more months with no sex, no affection, no snuggles, no kisses.  I’m not stupid.  Yet, I’m the stupidest woman in the world.

Even while I knew, I refused to allow myself to believe it.  And it’s not just the broken heart of him falling out of love with me, it’s the who.  I’m amazed, shocked and disgusted.

He says it started out “innocent”.  But an innocent man would’ve told me that he was talking to her in the first place.  An innocent man wouldn’t have started sneaking around.  An innocent man wouldn’t have pulled away and given me one last pity fuck before I left him

And make no mistake, I left him.  No matter how he feels about me.  No matter that he fell out of love with me.  No matter that he loves someone else.  I left him.  I told him we were divorcing.  In the moment.  I don’t regret it.  I’m sad about it.  Heartsick, really.  But I don’t regret it.  It’s the only “power’ I have left.  To walk away on my own.  No matter how hard he pushed me, I am walking on my own two feet away from this devastation that my life has become.

I never thought that after 33 years together we would part so quickly and thoroughly.  And when I say quickly, I mean quickly.  No more conversations.  No more sharing a bed.  No more discussion about making anything work.  No more anything.  It just stopped.  My entire life just came to a screeching halt.

Allow me to add that this is all happening over, supposedly, a four-month period.  33 years for four months of lust and mid-life crisis.  Next thing you know he’ll be buying a convertible and cruising around with the homewrecker with the top down.  I know that they are BOTH homewreckers, but let’s get real…. She was looking for something and found it.  In my husband.

The sad part is that he doesn’t even care.  He has no concern for anyone but himself and his new girlfriend (I assume).  He even feels the need to disregard his own children that he’s always been so close to and so proud of and so addicted to having as a part of his life.  He even was willing to walk away from his grandson.  His grandson that’s named after him.  He told me that he knew what the consequences would be (paraphrasing here) and it was ultimately worth it all, I guess.  SHE is worth it all.  His selfish feelings are worth it all.  Just walking away from his life is worth it all.  It’s so bizarre. 

This is not the man I know.  I have never met this man.  I never wanted to meet this man.  This selfish, self-centered man who could care less about anything and everything he once held near and dear.  This new man is heartless and cruel.  He blatantly, in my face, tells me that he’s going to see her and spend the day with her.  No regard for my feelings or those of his children.  It’s disgusting and I don’t know what happened to the kind, caring, selfless man who was full of love for me and his children.  I would say his friends, too, but they are all standing with him.  He has his little built-in group of friends (that were all friends before I came along) that will back him and support him and pretend like I never existed.

This whole experience is repulsive.   It’s degrading. It’s humiliating.  It’s heartbreaking. It’s destructive. It’s the end of my world and I knew it was coming.  Stupidest woman on earth.  That’s me.