Runaway Train

A runaway train.  That’s my life.  Right now.

Since I last posted I have watched my life slip off it’s tracks and go careening at full-speed into a wall of self-sabotage.

I know I should be eating healthy.  And I was.  Until about two weeks ago.  Okay, maybe longer.  I am back on the carbs (I’m still off the sugar).  I’ve fallen off of the fruits and veg wagon. I’m obsessed with sugar-free candy.  I should add here that sugar free candy is NOT low calorie candy.

For the past two weeks I’ve been smoking again.  On one hand I blame my new job.  Then on the other hand I know damned good and well that it’s not.  It’s an excuse.   I feel like I have failed on a massive scale and have a case of the “why bothers”.  (Although I should add here that I have asked/told my husband to NOT buy me another pack of cigarettes).

I am, quite rapidly, spiraling towards a pit of self-loathing and, thus, an inability to give enough of a shit to lift my ass up and plant it firmly back on track.

I know what needs to be done.  I haven’t yet figured out how to get up the oomph to do it.

Here’s the deal:  I want to lose a few pounds before my trip to Las Vegas in October.  Just a few.  I want to lose a lot of pounds before our trip to the UK next year.  Like a LOT.

Here’s the problem:  I was doing everything right (well, almost everything) and once again getting no results.  I was eating right, not smoking, checking my blood sugar (still not in a healthy range, btw… doesn’t seem to matter what I do there), engaging in some light exercise several days each week.  And I gained weight.

I don’t want to give up.  I want to take the advice of so many memes that the well-meaning, Positive Pollys on my feed post for people like me, but….. Well, I don’t know what the “but” is.  I just know that what I’m doing right now isn’t getting me any closer to my goals.  I know that it’s slowly, prematurely killing me to keep up the current status-quo.

I know all of this.  I know.

And yet……