A runaway train. That’s my life. Right now.
Since I last posted I have watched my life slip off it’s tracks and go careening at full-speed into a wall of self-sabotage.
I know I should be eating healthy. And I was. Until about two weeks ago. Okay, maybe longer. I am back on the carbs (I’m still off the sugar). I’ve fallen off of the fruits and veg wagon. I’m obsessed with sugar-free candy. I should add here that sugar free candy is NOT low calorie candy.
For the past two weeks I’ve been smoking again. On one hand I blame my new job. Then on the other hand I know damned good and well that it’s not. It’s an excuse. I feel like I have failed on a massive scale and have a case of the “why bothers”. (Although I should add here that I have asked/told my husband to NOT buy me another pack of cigarettes).
I am, quite rapidly, spiraling towards a pit of self-loathing and, thus, an inability to give enough of a shit to lift my ass up and plant it firmly back on track.
I know what needs to be done. I haven’t yet figured out how to get up the oomph to do it.
Here’s the deal: I want to lose a few pounds before my trip to Las Vegas in October. Just a few. I want to lose a lot of pounds before our trip to the UK next year. Like a LOT.
Here’s the problem: I was doing everything right (well, almost everything) and once again getting no results. I was eating right, not smoking, checking my blood sugar (still not in a healthy range, btw… doesn’t seem to matter what I do there), engaging in some light exercise several days each week. And I gained weight.
I don’t want to give up. I want to take the advice of so many memes that the well-meaning, Positive Pollys on my feed post for people like me, but….. Well, I don’t know what the “but” is. I just know that what I’m doing right now isn’t getting me any closer to my goals. I know that it’s slowly, prematurely killing me to keep up the current status-quo.
I know all of this. I know.