Ashes

Two months.  Two months since I’ve put fingers to keyboard.  I think I’m beginning to see a pattern here.

I used to love to write.  I would write about anything and everything and I always had a strong opinion and the information to back it up.  I just don’t have it in me anymore, apparently.  I’ve lost my voice.  I don’t bother sharing my opinions and I’m never interested in the fight that follows.  I used to be an all-in, guns-a-blazin’ writer and would defend my thoughts and ramblings to the death (well, not literal death).  Now…. I just don’t have the time or energy to fight with people who don’t agree with me and I don’t have anything of import to say, I guess.

I would like to write again.  I do miss it.  I miss poetry and essays and blogging and the feeling that it would give to release everything that was in my head by getting it down on paper.  Where did that passion go?

I think a lot of that loss can be attributed to my meds.  They dull me.  They dull my thoughts, my responses, my passion.  They dull everything that is me.  I used to be the “girl on fire”.  These days I’m just the ashes that remain once that fire is extinguished; by life, by health, by loss.

I miss that girl.  I don’t feel unhappy or anything, don’t get me wrong.  I still laugh and love and am enjoying my 40’s and the life that I’m living.  I just miss the chutzpah.

~ Jezzie