Here we are again. We’re at the start of a beautiful friendship. Just me and my mania. It always starts out so very… friendly. And positive. No negativity. No hard feelings. That’s where we are right now~ the honeymoon phase.
Why do I look at it like a happy little honeymoon? Well, let’s do a quick rundown of my “signs and symptoms” to get a better idea, hm?
(list provided by MedicineNet):
- euphoric, elevated, expansive, or irritable mood and increased energy CHECK
- excessive self-esteem or grandiosity ehh… not yet
- less need to sleep CHECK
- more talkative than usual or feeling pressured to continue talking MmHmm CHECK
- expresses ideas rapidly – quickly changes topics or feels that thoughts are racing Oh my Lord CHECK
- trouble focusing CHECK CHECK
- restlessness or increased participation in goal-oriented activities ANNNDD CHECK AGAIN
- excessively engaging in activities that have a high likelihood of having negative consequences (for example: promiscuity, excessive spending, poor business decisions). NOT YET. (ONCE WE REACH THIS POINT WE’RE NO LONGER ON OUR HONEYMOON, HONEY)
*I would amend the first bullet-point to include the option of “agitated” as an alternative descriptor to irritable.
*I would also add, at least for myself, “sensory overload” to this list. When I start to slip into or (like right now) just jump right into a manic or hypomanic cycle I have a tendency to feel constant sensory overload~ everything is too loud, too bright, too close.
So let’s talk about that list, shall we? I mean, does it really seem all that bad? There are only a few things thrown in there that come across as a little negative on the surface, right? Right. That’s how I see it, too.
Remember, though, that I am in what I consider to be the honeymoon phase right now. I feel pretty decent; a little scattered, but energetic, productive, awake, creative, vocal. These are all the things I wish I could be regularly, but typically am not.
Here’s the rub. Just like any relationship, the honeymoon doesn’t last forever. That talkative thing? Yeah, eventually, my mouth is going to get me in trouble. That energetic thing? Eventually I’m going to crash and burn. The lack of sleep? Makes for a pretty irritable and agitated Ter’esa after a while. The productive thing? I hope you like a bunch of half-finished projects. And, unless this episode just sorta rides it out like a good buzz, eventually that last point on the checklist will catch up with me.
See, I write about how I miss my mania. And I do. I miss being fun and energetic and willing to try to new things. I miss being able to talk to people and not hate myself. I miss being able to write and feel inspired. I miss being able to just get shit done!
Having said all of that, I think it’s a good idea to remind myself right here, right now, in writing that it’s only good while it’s actually good. Everything in moderation and all that. If it goes on for too long before I balance back out again there could be negative consequences. I need to remind myself of the things that have happened in the past when I was manic and not just when I was depressed; it’s so easy to forget the bad when you actually feel pretty damned good. I need to actually make myself reach out to my loved ones and let them know what’s going on so they can be there to support me, slap my hand when needed and let me know when the honeymoon is over.